


Affirmations

by childoflightning



Series: just keep stumbling forward (baby im waiting for you) [22]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Has Panic Attacks, Autistic Logic | Logan Sanders, Confrontations, Established Relationship, Gen, Healthy Coping skills, Healthy Relationships, Hurt Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Other, Panic Attacks, Patton is Disabled, Virgil has PTSD, Virgil has a Service Dog, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-16 20:40:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19325698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/childoflightning/pseuds/childoflightning
Summary: Patton's phone rang, Virgil’s name appearing on the screen. At even that simple reminder of his husband, his face broke out into a large grin.“Hi V,” he greeted cheerfully.“Hey, uh Pat, can you pick me up, I don’t trust myself to drive right now.”Immediately Patton's smile dropped.“What? Virgil are you okay? What happened?” he clamored to ask as he gripped his phone tightly.On the other end of the phone Virgil just began to cry.“Please,” he whispered, “Just, can you please come get me.”-OrVirgil has a rough day at work, but his husbands are there to help him through it.





	Affirmations

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Panic Attack, Allusions to Healthy Sexual Activities (non-graphic)  
> In Depth TW in End Notes  
> -  
> For more news and updates or just to chat contact me on my tumblr [here](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/).

Patton hands were covered in paint. The Alliance room had needed to be cleaned, and it was certainly a mess. Luckily, a fair amount of volunteers had come to help out. Patton grinned at the thought of the program growing. He had gotten started in this to help people, and it seemed that was actually happening. He was reaching people. And if it meant he was covered in paint from an exploded paint bottle, so be it. The room was clean now, and seemed roomier, providing a safe place for all the students within the chapter.

But, he was also quite glad that he had brought an older cane of his, as the one he normal used was bright blue, and the orange point splattered on him wouldn’t match it all that well. Instead, the black and white of his older cane gained the splashes of color. It looked akin to Halloween. Huh, maybe he could find a use for it during the holidays.

He broke himself out of his musings as his phone rang, Virgil’s name appearing on the screen. At even that simple reminder of his husband, his face broke out into a large grin.

“Hi V,” he greeted cheerfully.

“Hey, uh Pat, can you pick me up, I don’t trust myself to drive right now.”

Immediately Patton's smile dropped.

“What? Virgil are you okay? What happened?” he clamored to ask as he gripped his phone tightly.

On the other end of the phone Virgil just began to cry.

“Please,” he whispered, “Just, can you please come get me.”

* * *

The day had gone well. It was a Monday, and as such, the day of Virgil’s weekly quiz he gave out to his students. But, with a stroke of generosity, Virgil had actually canceled the quiz to go over the latest essay instead. His kids had perked up at the news and the class seemed lighter than usual. All four of his classes of the day were smooth sailing, even his seventh period that included the rambunctious middle schoolers.

And now, thirty minutes after the last bell had rung, he was headed out. Virgil made a beeline for the office and went straight to the attendance.

“Hey,” he greeted as the office worker looked up at him over the half door, “I have my attendance sheets from last week to turn in.”

The worker frowned at him.

“I can’t take those, they were supposed to be turned in last week.”

“I know,” Virgil said, “but I was out unexpectedly last week, so I’m turning them in now.”

She raised a brow at him.

“And why were you out?”

The truth- it had been the anniversary of him being stranded in a basement with dead bodies and left alone with no food or water for days, waiting, willing, wishing to die. But that wasn’t any of her business and he knew he didn’t have to provide the reason for his absence to her.

“Personal matters,” he said.

“I can’t take them if they’re not because of a reasonable absence. Just because you have some issues doesn’t mean you can turn paperwork in late.”

Okay wait what. When and why was Virgil’s mental health status brought into the conversation? A small lump of anxiety grew in his throat but he pushed through.

“Well, I emailed in to Jocelyn to explain the situation and she told me that I could turn the papers in today.”

“They’re late, I can’t take them.”

Virgil’s frustration grew and his hands shook minutely. He knew they were late. He had a reason for them being late. No other teachers had issues with papers being late after absences. This shouldn’t be an issue.

Kit pressed against his leg.

“I’m not sure why this is an issue,” he said calmly, “When teachers are absent, they always turn in their attendance papers when they get back.”

“Well, it’s not a reasonable absence, so I’m not going to take it,” she said.

Okay a reasonable absence. What the fuck even was that. What counted as a ‘reasonable absence’ anyway. Plus, that wasn’t for her to decide.

“Look, I talked to Jocelyn about this in my email. If you want I can get her to email you so that you can accept the papers.”

Virgil was very frustrated with the whole situation, but he felt proud of himself as he kept his voice calm and even.

Her eyes widened slightly at the comment of the email. She scoffed, but grabbed the papers from his hands. Virgil flinched back at the unexpected movement and in return she gave him an eye roll. His heart beat faster and Kit pressed firmer against his side. He tried to take a deep breath.

The office worker angrily filed the papers before whipping back to face him.

“Well, I don’t like your tone,” she told him harshly.

And okay what. Virgil was the one being calm and collective here. He was patient and polite with the worker. Now she on the other hand, well she was loud enough that the rest of the people in the office kept giving the, side looks in curiosity. Her movements were angry and her voice harsh.

“I’m sorry,” he stated, “I don’t quite understand. I feel like I’m being very polite.”

“Well, you’re words are polite but your tone isn’t,” she bit back.

Virgil realized what this was. She knew she was wrong in the situation. Getting mad at him was a way she was trying to take back control of the situation and cast him in the wrong instead. Virgil just gave a small gulp, a polite nod, and turned on his heel and left.

He didn’t know exactly how he made it to his car, all he knew was that suddenly he was sliding down the driver’s door onto the concrete as harsh breaths fell from his body.

Kit, beautiful and perfect Kit, settled on top of him to provide pressure, and he threaded his fingers through his fur tightly as he tried to breathe. His head felt like it was filled with cotton but Kit was determined to keep his attention focused on him over anything else.

The German Shepherd Boxer Mix was just two years and had only just taken Trixie’s place. Virgil’s heart stung a bit at the reminder of his past dog. Kit had been a handful to train, having a fair amount more energy than Virgil’s previous two service dogs, but he was loyal to a fault. Virgil had never seen a dog more dedicated to learning not for food or play, but for praise. Kit was smart but Virgil had almost washed him out due to his short attention span. Learning to lay here like he was, focusing solely on Virgil, had been a huge barrier in the dog’s training. Virgil had even started looking for a new dog. But suddenly, one day it just seemed to click for the mutt. And Virgil had never been happier. He was gentle, smart, and so very careful with Virgil.

Ever so slowly, Virgil’s breathing returned to a healthier speed.

He took deep gulping breaths of air, as if just being exposed to oxygen after being stranded in space for decades.

A moment later her pulled out his phone and pressed a familiar number.

“Hi V,” his husband said cheerfully.

“Hey, uh Pat, can you pick me up, I don’t trust myself to drive right now,” Virgil choked out, a hand still on Kit’s fur.

“What? Virgil are you okay? What happened?” Patton desperately asked.

On his side of the phone Virgil broke down crying again

“Please,” he whispered, “Just, can you please come get me.”

“Of course,” Patton said immediately, causing Virgil to sigh in relief. “V, are you safe? Do you have Kit with you?”

“I’m safe,” he confirmed even as his hands shook in their grasp on the phone, “and I’ve got Kit.”

“Okay, good, give me fifteen minutes and I’ll be there,” Patton confirmed. And with that Virgil pulled the phone away from his ear but let Patton end the call.

He took a deep breath, the middle of it becoming stuck in his throat and tipped his head back to lean against the car door.

It was in this exact position that Patton eventually found him.

* * *

When Patton hung up the phone he was worried. I mean, how could he not be. His husband had sounded very upset over the phone and had been crying. But he was safe, and his tone and explanation, albeit brief, hadn’t implied a flashback of any kind, so Patton wasn’t burning up with anxiety over his husband’s state.

He bid goodbyes quickly, citing a family emergency, and scrambled into his dinky car. He took a deep soothing breath to calm himself down before turning on the ignition. There was no need for them both to be panicking after all.

He drove the fastest route he knew to Virgil’s school, making sure to still stay safe in his current frazzled state.

When he approached the school he turned into the teacher lot, keeping an eye out for Virgil’s car in the process. When he spotted it he searched for an empty spot nearby. It wasn’t too hard considering most people had left by now.

He then approached Virgil’s car, keeping an eye out for the sight of his wayward husband. He found him sitting on the ground, leaning against the car. Kit was on his lap, performing his DPT tasks just as he had been trained. Even though the dog wasn’t even his, pride grew in Patton’s chest at the sight. He then quickly dismissed Kit to focus on Virgil. His husband didn't seem to notice him yet, but his breathing was deep and controlled, which was a good sign, even if tears leaked from the corners of his eyes.

“Hey Virge, it’s Patton,” Patton greeted when he stood just in front of him.

Virgil looked up at him.

“Hey,” he greeted.

The greeting and recognition also meant that Virgil was aware of his current surroundings. Another good sign, and a pretty clear indicator that this was not a flashback.

Patton sat down next to him, his back, hips, and legs protesting a bit at the movement.

“You wanna go home?” Patton asked after a moment, deciding not to press the issue for now. Virgil was obviously safe and not in any danger to himself or others. He was calm, if shaken up, and aware of his surroundings. The best Patton could do at this point was provide support and allow Virgil to come to him.

“Yeah,” Virgil said after a moment. He directed Kit off him. The German Shepherd Boxer mix hopped off instead of standing calmly, a small mistake that was a sign of his newer experience. Virgil would probably work on training him out of that at a later time, but for now it was unimportant. Kit kept his level gaze on Virgil, watching carefully for his cues to task. His focus was impeccable.

Virgil stood slowly as he wiped away a few tears. He offered a hand to Patton who took it gratefully, using both the hand and his cane as support to stand up.

When they were both standing up, Patton kept the grip on Virgil, just shifting it slightly so they were holding hands.

“Come on,” Patton encouraged gently.

“What about my car?” Virgil protested weakly.

“Two of us will go get it later, don’t worry about it right now,” Patton soothed.

“Right,” Virgil said, and he allowed himself to be led away.

When the two plus Kit were settled in the car and on the way home Patton spoke up.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked. “No pressure, but I’m here if you want to.”

Virgil sighed, “No it’s okay. I was just- I want to.”

“Okay,” Patton said evenly and allowed him space to talk.

“But just don’t get upset, okay. It’s dealt with.”

Okay what. Patton had to admit this was not what he was suspecting. Because the signs pointed to Virgil not having a flashback, Patton had assumed it was probably a panic attack at a trigger that hadn’t gotten too bad. The idea that this was something that had to be dealt with meant that something outside of Virgil’s own responses had happened. Patton was frustrated already. But that wasn’t what Virgil needed right now. Plus Virgil had said it was taken care of, and Patton trusted him.

“Okay,” he responded again.

“So I turned in my attendance sheets today because I missed a few days last week.”

Patton just nodded, this wasn’t new knowledge to him in any way.

“Right, and so the attendance worker didn’t want to take it because it was late. So I explained that I was out and cited personal matters and she told me my reason for being absent wasn’t good enough and she still wouldn’t take it.”

“What?” Patton breathed out before he could stop himself. He then feel quiet once more, allowing Virgil to finish.

The man laughed weakly, tears beginning to leak from his eyes once more.

“Yeah. So I told her I had emailed Jocelyn at the front desk and she still refused. Once I mentioned I could have Jocelyn email her, she immediately took them.”

“Of course,” Patton scoffed.

“But she was all angry.” He took a calming breath. “And grabbed my papers roughly. Scared me a bit,” he admitted, “and then filed it while huffing.”

“So she did file it?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

“And then- then she finally turned back to me and just said ‘I don’t like your tone.’ And I asked what I did and she just got all mad at me and so I left.”

Virgil had held himself together for the most part during the story, but at the end he just burst into choking tears.

“Breathe Virgil,” Patton reminded him soothingly, one of his hands taking Virgil’s to rub soothing circles into it.

He nodded, breathing evening slight even as he continued to cry.

“I don’t even know why I’m so upset over this. Just, she was so angry and it upset me and I just wasn’t expecting the whole thing.”

“It’s okay,” Patton soothed, “You have every right to be upset. That sounds awful.”

And really it did. Patton knew his husband. No matter how much Virgil tried to deny it, he was fundamentally a people pleaser and to be denied so viciously, well. Not to mention the fact that angry people and quick, angry gestures scared Virgil. And not having a valid excuse my ass. Virgil’s mental health was important and missing a few days from work because of that was perfectly reasonable and respectable.

The rest of their ride was in silence, the two pulling into the driveway in the not-quite heavy silence.

Virgil immediately dropped his bag on the hook by the front door before flopping down on the couch. Patton joined him along with Kit at Virgil’s command. Kit settled on top of Virgil again under the latter's direction. Virgil then curled his feet up and leaned into Patton. Patton opened his arms and tucked Virgil gently into his embrace. Virgil just quietly continued to cry.

They sat like that for a good fifteen minutes before Virgil sobs slowly ebbed away. He sat up and look back at Patton.

“I think I’m going to go take a shower,” Virgil told him.

“Okay,” Patton agreed softly.

And with that, Virgil fled the room.

Patton sighed and pulled out his phone.

> To: Roman and Logan

>   
>  Virgil had a bad day. Office worker got pissy that his attendance work was late and said he didn’t have a good enough excuse. He handled it really well and is home but is very upset.

Patton read through the text to make sure he wasn’t missing anything before hitting send.

He let out a sigh afterwards and reached for his book from the table by the couch, waiting for Virgil to return.

To Patton’s surprise, Roman actually returned home before Virgil returned to the living room. Patton stood and joined him at the door to greet him.

“Hey,” he said softly.

Roman grinned in reply and gave him a soft kiss in greeting.

“Hi,” he returned.

“You didn’t have to rush home y’know,” Patton commented, “I mean V isn’t great but it wasn’t necessary for you to leave work.”

“What?” Roman asked with a frown before pulling his phone out. His eyes lit up in understanding once he saw the screen.

“Oh,” he commented, “I hadn’t even realized you had texted. We just finished early today so I thought I'd come home.” He frowned slightly, “What’s going on?”

Patton sighed, “It’s Virgil’s story to tell, but basically he had some issues with being out and an office worker was very rude about all of it. He’s okay though, just a bit shaken. We do need to pick up his car though.”

Roman’s eyebrows knitted together.

“He called me and asked me to pick him up,” Patton explained.

“Ah,” Roman said with a nod of understanding, “Sure we can go when Logan gets home. Plus, I think Logan had an idea for dinner anyway.”

“Sounds good,” Patton agreed.

“Okay, well I’m sweaty from the stage lighting, so I’m gonna go see if I can join Virgil in the shower. Love you.”

“Love you too,” Patton called back as the latter disappeared.

* * *

Roman entered the bedroom and walked softly to the door separating the room from the bathroom. He knocked softly against it and called out Virgil’s name.

The water stopped.

“Ro?” Virgil’s voice called back.

“Yeah V, it’s me, mind if I join you?”

“You can come in,” Virgil said before the water turned back on.

Roman smiled slightly before opening the door and walking inside, closing the wood gently behind him. He stripped slowly, in no rush, before opening the door to the shower and joining his husband.

“Hey, can I touch you?” he asked when he had entered.

Virgil nodded and Roman reached to wrap his arms around his shorter partner.

“Heard you had a rough day,” Roman mentioned.

“Patton told you?”

Virgil looked like a small drenched kitten under the spray of the water.

“Yeah,” he agreed, “Should he not have?”

“No it’s okay, I don’t mind. How much did he tell you?”

“Not much, just that you had a rough time with an attendance worker.”

“Yeah,” Virgil agreed. He paused and didn't say anything else.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Roman probed gently, “We don’t have to, it’s up to you.”

“No I want to,” Virgil confirmed. He took a shuddering breath, “It’s just hard.”

“Okay,” Roman replied, before falling silent in order to give Virgil the space he needed to talk.

“So I turned in my attendance sheets,” he began, “But the office worker didn’t want to take them.”

Roman moved his hand slightly to find Virgil’s, and the other man gripped it firmly.

“She said that my absence wasn’t good enough. Which really doesn't make sense because I had a reason to be out and it’s not her job to decide that, but...” He shrugged. “I explained I had emailed Jocelyn, and she finally put them in.”

So far Virgil had seem pretty composed, but at this point, a single tear fell from his eyes and he trembled slightly.

“And um, she took the papers from me, which scared me a bit,” he confessed, “She just moved really quick and was really angry. But she did it. And then she turned back to me and got mad at me about my tone.” Se paused here to inhale deeply. “And I asked why and well, she just got frustrated so I left. And it seems so simple and not a big deal but-”

Virgil cut himself off with a choked sob but didn’t try to continue the conversation.

“But what?” Roman encouraged.

“But it’s just. It scared me and made me upset. I wasn't expecting this to be a big deal. And she was very invalidating to the reason why I was absent and like it’s hard for me to advocate for myself and-”

“And this was the scenario you were afraid of, and it happened.”

“Yeah,” Virgil admitted, “I don’t know, maybe I should just stop trying this self advocacy stuff.”

Roman sighed. That’s what he was afraid of.

“Virgil even though what you did was scary, what you did was good. You defended yourself and got what you want, and even though she was rude and you are reasonable upset about the situation, you are okay. Right? You are okay.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess so,” Virgil mumbled. “Thanks.”

He then turned around to kiss Roman. And from then on, there was much less talking.

* * *

Patton had just finished his current chapter when Virgil reentered the room.

“How was your shower?” Patton asked, scooting over a bit on the couch so Virgil could join him.

“Good.”

“Did Roman join you?”

“Yeah. We talked a bit. And uh did some not talking too. He’s still in the shower considering actually showering was our third priority after talking and… other things.”

Patton snorted at the comment and Virgil blushed lightly and scowled.

The two sat in silence for a moment.

“Read to me?” Virgil eventually asked.

“Of course,” Patton replied and he reopened his book.

The next time a door opened, it was Roman, and he also joined them in the couch, snuggling into the pile of cuddles and listening to Patton’s soothing voice read his latest book on human psychology. Not something that many found interesting, but that wasn’t the point. His husbands just enjoyed his voice.

* * *

This was the position Logan found them in when he finally returned home. All three, curled on the couch, backs to him as Patton’s voice carried across the room. Logan smiled at the sight and walked silently to the bedroom, removing his tie and unbuttoning the top button of his shirt. He then exited to join his husbands.

“Hello,” he greeted as he entered the living room, walking around to their position on the couch.

All three head looked up to him.

Roman was the first to stand, greeting him with a kiss after Logan indicated it was okay. It was his little tradition. Roman liked to get his after work kisses from each of his husbands.

“Hey Lo, how was work?” Virgil asked.

Logan ignored his question.

“Virgil, are you okay?” he asked instead, “Patton texted saying you had some trouble at work. I didn’t know how severe it was.”

“I’m okay,” his husband promised, “It was not fun but,” he shrugged.

Logan frowned. Okay he had asked Virgil because Patton hadn’t been that clear in his text in the first place but Virgil was being even more unclear. Logan didn’t know what to do.

“Lo. Logan.”

Logan broke out of his thought by Roman calling his name.

“Logan you were going to make dinner, right?” he asked.

Logan nodded even as his mind focused on Virgil.

“Is it okay with the two of you if we go pick up Virgil’s car real quick?” Patton asked.

Logan nodded absentmindedly and didn't even pay attention to Virgil’s own response. But Patton also got up, so Logan assumed that he was fine with it as well.

Good. That gave Logan some time to figure out exactly what was up with Virgil.

“Virgil, I- how okay are you?” Logan asked, “I just want to understand,” he offered.

“I’m okay,” Virgil replied, “There was just a thing with an office worker.”

Again. That. Explained. Nothing.

Logan huffed slightly, quiet enough that Virgil didn’t seem to notice.

Virgil would be more likely to talk if he was in a more comfortable and familiar environment. Not that Logan wanted to force him to talk either. He just wanted to understand how Virgil was feeling. Putting Virgil in a comforting or familiar environment and then asking if he wanted to share would probably best. It gave Virgil more freedom to talk but also space for him to make his own decision on whether he wanted to or not. And it gave Logan a high potential at understanding how his husband was. Triple win. Now how to do that.

“Virgil, do you want to help me with dinner?” Logan proposed.

Virgil nodded and the two went into the kitchen. Logan let Virgil chop the vegetables as he began to heat up sauce for pasta.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Logan asked, “You don’t have to.” There. Perfect setup. A clear intro and an easy, non-consequential out.

“Yeah,” Virgil replied, “It just,” he let out a laugh.”

Logan frowned but didn’t interrupt.

“I went to turn in my attendance reports but the office worker didn’t want to take them because they were late. I said I was absent for personal reasons and she said-” Virgil laughed slightly again, “she said that wasn’t an acceptable excuse. I then mentioned I had emailed Jocelyn about it and I could have Jocelyn email her if needed, and then. Virgil snorted. “And then she was willing to put them in. But after she filed them she turned back to me and said, `Well, I don’t like your tone’ and I asked her why because I felt like I was being polite and she got all huffy and so I left.”

That sounded- well, quite frankly upsetting, but Virgil had been laughing a bit throughout. So it was, funny? Logan would just ask. Virgil wouldn’t mind.

“And that’s, funny?”

Virgil turned to gave him a look, Logan adjusted his line of sight so he didn’t meet the others eyes.

“Oh, oh it’s not,” Virgil explained, “I’m uh, well I’m pretty upset about it,” he confessed, “But I just feel like I’ve told the story enough times that it's just seems almost, funny, I guess? Or unreal or ironic.”

Oh. Logan got that. Logan often times felt emotions but didn’t show them the same way.

“I’m sorry Virgil,” he offered, “That's-” he shook his head, “You do have a valid excuse you know.”

“I know,” Virgil hissed, “It’s just that. The whole situation- That it even happened. It makes me angry,” he admitted.

Logan nodded in understanding.

“That's fair, you shouldn’t have to justify yourself.”

“Yeah, exactly. I just, I feel like I’m always justifying myself,” Virgil’s voice cracked and the floodgates opened.

“I feel like no matter how many times I tell myself I’m valid or that other people tell me that I’m valid, there’s always someone out there that invalidates that and just facing that is hard.”

“Mm,” Logan agreed. “So, if there’s always someone to invalidate you, is it even worth validating yourself? Or pushing to get what you deserve?” Logan asked.

“Yeah, yeah it is,” Virgil mumbled.

“Why?” Logan asked, probing for the answer he knew Virgil knew.

“Because I’m worth it.”

Logan nodded and opened his arms. Virgil tumbled into them.

“I’m proud of you,” Logan whispered into his ear.

And well, Virgil was still crying and he was still upset and it was still and awful day.

And yet, Virgil still smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> In Depth TW: Panic Attack (Virgil has a panic attack), Allusions to Healthy Sexual Activities (non-graphic) (it is implied Roman and Virgil participate in sexual activities while showering together)  
> -  
> This is based on a very real and emotional experience I went through myself, and in result, to cope with the scenario I wrote this. I hope you enjoyed reading this. It was an emotional one for sure. Pleas let me know what you think. And, remember to always be polite, even in situations like the story above. After all, it can't hurt.  
> ~childoflightning  
> -  
> For more news and updates or just to chat contact me on my tumblr [here](https://thechildoflightning.tumblr.com/).


End file.
